yOu.

annie hoshiko, after almost three months, is still sitting here, lost.
thats my status update for now.

kill them all.
slowly, but surely.

st. patricks day is officially the worst day for me.

FIRST OF ALL, this entry is all my rambling and venting about whats been happening in my relationship, so if you dont give a crap, i suggest you wonder off to someone else's xanga site. :) thanks.

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ive finally stopped crying for you. its been a long 6 days. every minute felt like an year.....seriously.
everytime i break up with a boyfriend theres always those couple of days of devastation that follow it, i know. but for some reason....this time it was different.
i actually went to my room and cleaned EVERYTHING that reminded me of you. and i usually dont do this. i keep everything that has memories in my room, even if i have moved on. but just looking at the jacket you left behind, the huuuuuge picture frame you made me, the magic cards and the extra change you left really hurt. ive been feeling miserable and so lost, that i just didnt know what to do with myself. i didnt know why this happend in the first place. i didnt know how i was supposed to deal with it. and i didnt know what to do from now on. how am i supposed to spend mondays i took work off to spend time with you?? who am i supposed to drive to school and eat lunch with during class times?? what am i supposed to do to be okay....

as the time went on, i felt myself becoming more and more aggravated at the fact that this happend so suddenly. why isnt he callling to see if im okay? why did he do it over the phone? why is he such a cold person, acting like everything is okay when a couple weeks ago he told me how much he loved me? i was very confused, and very annoyed. no matter how positively i tried to think, i started noticing a bitterness for you, and as it grew stronger, i found it easier to deal with. everything was your fault, not mine, you let go of everything, and ill just simply think of you as an asshole from now on.
that was my mindset.

after talking to my 3 best friends though, my whole perspective about our relationship, and myself, changed. i was just laying in bed crying...again, until i got a phone call that lasted almost 3 hours. and to make a long story short, this is what i learned. that the reason the relationship ended was because you were so tired. so tired of the way i acted, the things i said, the things i didnt say, the things i didnt do, the fights we had, the fights we didnt have.....everything. and for some odd reason i didnt see any of this. i really dont know why. is it because i was too confident that you would never leave me since you always told me and made sure i knew that you would never fall for another girl? which is really ironic because im probably the most insecure girl ever. but anyways! i learned that, first of all, we are both too young and narrow minded to be able to appreciate each other fully. before we learn to find who we belong with, we need to find the person we are, and obviously both you and i are still confused about that. we cant juggle two people at the same time....we have to find out who we are first, and then the other person. second, i learned that i was changing my ways in all the different places, and then felt like i wasnt getting enough credit for it. so kind of like miscommunication. but now, i clearly understand what went wrong, and if you ever gave me another chance, i would take it, and make everything right. but i know life isnt that easy, and im not expecting it to be. and third, the trust issue. i thought throughout our whole relationship i trusted you with all my heart. just because i knew what kind of person you are and the way you think, and the things you do. i knew you would never lie or cheat. but for some reason....a part of me didnt trust you at all. i happen to be a very jealous person, and i am TOTALLY insecure. i know. at times it seems as if i even have low self esteem and self confidence. :/ but the only thing i can do about this is change it. i realized that non of my relationships would ever last if i stay this way. i shouldve known you so much better....i just couldnt show it the way it was supposed to be shown.
and as james mentioned, i swore to god that i would change for you and make it work, when it hasnt even been a week. im not ready to get back with you, IF you did ever give me a chance. i need time to calm down and see what i really want, and to prove that i can change for you. this really made me see things from a bigger picture, and helped me cool off a little bit. there isnt anything i can do to change your mind right now, but in a couple of months, that might not be the case. i really have to spend some time alone and think about it carefully. i know now.

so now i see this experience in a very positive form. i know some people out there would use the opportunity of being single as free ticket for them to fuck around with other guys and not get in trouble for it. sure, thats an idea. or, some people might get super depressed and show their ex how desperately in need they are of them, stop eating (or eat tooo much), and cry everyday and stay miserable. although not as appealing....still an idea. but i decided that i would use this experience in a different way. ive had breakups where i just wanted to look prettier and get back at them, and make them regret what theyve lost. but in this case, i dont. i honestly dont really care how i look in a couple months, but how i hold and present myself. i want to look okay and confident. i want to seem as though life is going perfectly well for me and that nothing could bring me down. i want to stay as optimistic as i can be. i want to take this as an opportunity to meet new people, make new friends, reconnect with old ones, get in shape, work, etc. and i also want to be able to prepare myself for two things in the future. either get back with you, or move on. i want to be okay with either decision, and although it isnt going to be a piece of cake, im willing to try as best as i can for you.

im really glad i saw you the night we ended things. the way you were so cold and the way you showed no emotion towards me whatsoever. it helped me realize that yeah, i can actually lose someone i really love and care about, and that in order to become a better person and understand the importance of things and people, you gotta get bitch slapped once. i dont know if ill ever be with you again, no matter how much i want to, but i really want to thank you for everything, and everything this break up taught me. if not for you, ill become a better person for my next boyfriend, and myself as well. thank you for the wonderful 2 years.

Erick, Victoria, Katleen, James
i love you all <333

this or that this or that

i change my mind A LOT these days.
is there a specific reason as to why?
does this mean something?
hm...it gets really frustrating after a while...

like, i think one thing, thinking its the RIGHT choice,
and then a minute later, i turn around and choose another thing. -_-
i think i reeeaally think too much.
for example, if i had to go to the toyota dealership to get a maintenance check, and i didnt want to stay there by myself, i would ask someone to come with me or come pick me up.
but if they dont answer me with a "YEAH! SURE!! WHAT TIME SHOULD I GO!?!?" when i ask, then i automatically assume that they really dont want to go out of their way to go with me and that im just forcing them to.
i dont know why, but thats how my mind works, okay? leave me alone...
AND SO! after i hear that, i say "oh well...actually, its okay, cuz i dont want you to force yourself" or "its too far" or "its too much of a hassle" blah blah blah etc...you get the point.
and then theyre like "are you sure? are you sure???" and then i reply "yes."

BUT!!!
10 minutes later, i think about it and how much i reaaally dont want to go by myself and stay there by myself, bored out of my mind.
and so i call them back and ask them to come with me, and their confused as a mother freaker.
and then theyre upset.
and then i become upset.
and then EVERYONES upset.
all because of a stupid maintenance check.

...i dont know.
ive been so weird.
or maybe ive always been like this, but i never really noticed it until now.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...................
*starts thinking...yet again*

HAHAHA okay yeah whatever.

BYE.

oh yes, and might i add, the worst battle is still between what you know and what you feel.  :)

...i miss them mucho.... :(

weird week . . .

its 2:40 am....and ive decided to update. ahaha
so random..

ANYWHO.

i just got done chilling with kathleen and andi..
not as productive as i wouldve liked to spend my thursday, but it was still fun :)
learned a lot of stuff i didnt need to know. @_@
today, i thought alot. i always think alot.
im like a thinking machiiinneeee with no off button.
which led to me writing an entry at 3 in the morning. -_-
man....i really need the sleep tho. :/ oh well.

so, this whole reltionship thing isnt going very well for me.
were currently experiencing a "bump on the road". ....i hope.
and although the first day i was doing just fine, thats not the case for the second day.
maybe because i didnt have anything else to study for, or that i had an off day from work, i dont know, but when one has time on their hands, they think.
at least, i do.

so i came to a conclusion. if i didnt have you, OR you, this is what my life would be like. only the beginning tho, hopefully. i also realized that everything is about timing. EVERYTHING in life, is about timing. its when you do what you do, that has the biggest affect. its when things happen the time it does that has the biggest affect. and sometimes we dont have any control over that whatsoever, which really sucks balls. but eh, gotta deal with it.
ive been thinking about the future alot too. and its really depressing. :(
im almost 20.....and im still sitting here, thinking about countless number of things that i should be doing, and who i should be doing it with. im not even certain who or what goes in that blank...but ill find that out later.

you know what? theres really no point in updating...cuz all im doing is rambling.
i update to clear and take my mind off things...but i believe i just made everything more complicated inside my head. i really need an organizing file in there. it would make things sooo much easier.

i hope i did good on my history and government test. i totally bs-ed the two essays but...whatever. and im hating eco right now.
thats school for ya, in a nutshell.

you know, its been a very emotional one or two months, but after everything is done, i just feel plain stupid. STUPID. and hating your guts is really starting to help now. after all ive hung onto, after going through every second of the day thinking of you, this is whats left. and whatever shit is left, is not worth ANYTHING.
...and i cant believe....
ugh, whatever. im stupid.GAHHDDDD!!!!

im going to sleep.
and i wanna go out. :)
im still figuring out things.
just give it time, i know.
and thats the only thing i can do, and the only thing i plan on doing.

time can sometimes be a sweetheart, or a total bitch. -_-+

good night<33

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
-Sex and the City
im starting to really like the show. even tho im like a generation late. hehe